You know when 2011 sucked?
And I said to myself:
"Self, 2012 has to be better".
This news has not made it better.
I frequently read blogs about infant loss, still births, and miscarriages, but they never resonate. I feel bad for those women, and I wish I could take away their pain. I never thought twice about these tragedies until yesterday.
Yesterday, Dylan's sister asked me to watch the kids. A routine visit to her doctor, to monitor the baby's heart rate, came back inconclusive.
Hearing someone say the words: They couldn't find the heartbeat is devastating. She was so chipper, thinking it was too early to hear the heart beat, so an ultrasound would make everything better. So, off they went, to see this beautiful baby.
Two hours later, she enters my house, with puffy red eyes, and the most somber face in the world. As she see's her kids, they scream "WHAT IS IT?!?!", thinking they found out the sex. Watching her hold back tears, I knew this news would not be good. She explained to them that they would talk about it at home. As the kids went to get their coats I ask: "How'd it go"
"There is no baby"
How do you respond to that? How do you comfort someone from the pain and suffering they are feeling? All the words I could conjure were "I'm sorry".
The baby she was carrying was at 16 week gestation. A baby that large cannot be "removed". Today, she has been enduring a labor for a baby that will never be a part of this world. Today, she will experience pain so deep, she may never be the same.
Knowing that Heavenly Father had a different plan for this baby is evident, but explaining that to a mother who assumed the child was perfect, in every way, is impossible. I can't help but think "you can have another child", but words like that do not replace the hole that is now in her heart. "Another child" will never be this child. "Another child" will never fill that void.
The only words I can think to describe this unborn baby is perfection. This child was too perfect for this world.
We are put here on this earth as a test, and we learn from everything around us. Because of this tragedy, and my understanding of Psychology of Learning I understand why this child spent so little time here. As we have trials in our lives, we learn from everything in the situation. Nothing less for a baby in the womb. A baby is able to absorb so much that happens in the womb, and learn and adapt from these surroundings. This idea paints a picture in my mind so beautifully; this sweet baby had very little to learn. The environment s/he was provided was so enriched with love and learning that s/he learned everything s/he needed.
For that I am grateful. Understanding that, is a comfort to me.
The next couple of months will be hard. I hope that I will be able to be there for her, and be ready when she is finally able to talk about it.
Today I am grieving. Today is a Birthday I will never forget.
1 comments:
Kels, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know if you know this, but my family went through this exact same scenario in 2008. We found out little Mercie was a girl, however, she was not going to be in our lives the way we had planned. It was devastating to see my brother and sister-in-law go through so much pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Krystle
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